Festive Milestone or Barbaric Abuse? - A Gray-Area Guide to the Circumcision Debate
July, 2011, Rabbi Shira Shazeer
Page 11
Page 11
Get on the same page as your partner
Maybe the most important part of making this decision in a healthy way is coming to an agreement with your partner. One of the core values expressed by an eighth-day welcoming celebration is that parenting is not done in isolation. Your friends, extended family, and community are there to support you, not to make the big decisions. But your baby’s other parent, if he has one, does need to be a part of the decision-making process. There are some elements of parenting where each parent can have a different style or different rules. (Like, when I’m alone with the kids I let them blow bubbles in their milk, and when my husband is alone with them he gives them snacks I would veto.) This choice doesn’t work that way.
So what if you’re not on the same page as your partner? Find a way to make a choice that you’re both okay with. If you both feel strongly, make sure you each understand where the other is coming from and what the values behind your preferences are. Research the issue together.
Give yourselves time to work it out. Start the conversation long before the baby is born. It’s difficult to make good choices under pressure, and coming down to the wire on the eighth day makes for hasty and resentful decision-making. You may not be able to come to a choice that makes you equally happy.
What is important is that neither parent feels they’ve been forced into a decision that feels wrong. This is not the moment to say “fine, have it your way,” and feel like your voice hasn’t been heard, or like your partner owes you a pass on an equally difficult decision. If you’re having your first baby, this is the beginning of your life as a parenting team. If this is not your first baby, it’s still a new beginning, a reshuffling of your family dynamic. Don’t start with a sense of resentment or a power dynamic you don’t want to continue. Hash it out and decide together. It may take more work than one parent insisting and the other giving in, but it will be worth it in the long run.
So what if you’re not on the same page as your partner? Find a way to make a choice that you’re both okay with. If you both feel strongly, make sure you each understand where the other is coming from and what the values behind your preferences are. Research the issue together.
Give yourselves time to work it out. Start the conversation long before the baby is born. It’s difficult to make good choices under pressure, and coming down to the wire on the eighth day makes for hasty and resentful decision-making. You may not be able to come to a choice that makes you equally happy.
What is important is that neither parent feels they’ve been forced into a decision that feels wrong. This is not the moment to say “fine, have it your way,” and feel like your voice hasn’t been heard, or like your partner owes you a pass on an equally difficult decision. If you’re having your first baby, this is the beginning of your life as a parenting team. If this is not your first baby, it’s still a new beginning, a reshuffling of your family dynamic. Don’t start with a sense of resentment or a power dynamic you don’t want to continue. Hash it out and decide together. It may take more work than one parent insisting and the other giving in, but it will be worth it in the long run.
